I'm just as sane as you are
by Megageeko
Summary: Good news, everyone! The insanity of Futurama now comes to you in the form of a suppository... A Fanfic... A suppository fanfic, yes.


This is my first Futurama fan fic, be sure to tell me what you think, reviews help me figure out how to improve. I do not own Futurama, if I did there would be more Zoidberg.

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><p>"Good news, everyone!" Professor Farnsworth walked into the meeting room, addressing the 'Everyone' that was present. "It appears that you've all filed so many malpractice suits that I've been court-ordered to bring in a competent doctor."<p>

Zoidberg did a spit take, only he hadn't been drinking anything, so he ended up spraying ink across the table and onto Fry.

"Ew…" Fry groaned. "He got my painting shirt all dirty."

"I didn't know you painted." Leela looked at Fry with a look on her face that implied that if she'd had two eyes, one of her eyebrows would be raised.

"Did I say painting? I meant my eating shirt."

Meanwhile, Zoidberg was staring at the professor in abject horror. "You're replacing me? But, but Hubert…" Zoidberg had the distinct look of a kicked puppy, which was an impressive feat for a horrible crab monster.

"Oh, _relax_, Johnny." The professor waved a hand as he sat in his chair. "I'm still keeping you employed. I'm just having to reduce your pay a bit in order to facilitate the new doctor's salary."

"But I'm already living on ten dollars a year." Zoidberg looked down at the table, his shoulders drooping.

"If you can live on ten dollars then you can live on ten _cents_!" Farnsworth snapped before crossing his arms and sitting back in his chair. "Bah, now I'm all up in a tizzy."

Zoidberg let out a pained wail.

"So when's the new doctor getting here?" Leela asked once Zoidberg's wail had quieted down to sniffles.

"The _wah_?" Farnsworth sat up, adjusting his glasses. "Oh, right. The doctor. Well, they were supposed to be here when I got here, but it appears that they're rather late."

"Ah," Zoidberg perked up. "So if this doctor person is 'late' often, they would be fired maybe?"

"Oh yes, why, if they were to be late for work for two weeks in a row, then we would be well within our rights to fire them and kick their asses out onto the street." Farnsworth tapped his fingertips together, sitting back with the usual smile on his face.

"Interesting…" Zoidberg ran a claw across his chin, a plan forming in his mind.

A loud, shrieking alarm cut through the meeting room, Fry jolted and looked around, lifting up a laser rifle.

"What's happening? Are we under attack? Who or what do I shoot?" He pointed the rifle around wildly.

"Oh, put that down, Fry! We're not under attack, you dope!" Farnsworth snapped, pressing a button and turning the alarm off.

"We're not? Aw…" Fry lowered the rifle below the table.

"Where do you keep that thing, anyway?" Amy glanced below the table, trying to figure out where the rifle had gone.

"I dunno." Fry shrugged.

"Shut up and listen to me talk, dammit!" Farnsworth yelled. "As I was saying; we're not under attack, that alarm was just alerting us that our new doctor has finally arrived in the building and should be getting here…"

The door opened. "Hello?"

"Right now, ah, my court-appointed doctor, here at last." Farnsworth turned his chair to look at the door.

The crew took the opportunity to get a good look at the new doctor, a woman in her twenties, thick glass and green hair that was shoddily cut to just barely reach her chin, and a shirt two sizes too large. And now that we've got her appearance out of the way, don't expect descriptions that large or boring again.

"I'm sorry I'm late, professor." The new doctor brushed some hair from her face. "I would have been on time, I swear. But when I'd gotten to the building I was suddenly ambushed and robbed by a silver robot."

Everyone turned to look at Bender, who was sitting back, feet on the table, and whistling. When he noticed everyone's eyes on him, he glared, straightening the lab coat he was wearing.

"Oh, I see how it is. One doctor with ridiculously colored hair gets robbed by a bending unit and everyone blames me! Well I guess now I've learned who my _true_ friends are!" Bender crossed his arms.

"… You're wearing my lab coat." The doctor pointed out.

"It's mine now, I stole it fair and square." Bender sat back, taking out a cigar and happily smoking it.

Fry leaned over, squinting his eyes. "Doc… Tor… Olive… Ya… Lean… On…" He turned to look at the doctor. "Say, are you related to-"

"No." She cut him off, walking over and sitting in an empty chair, not making any move to retrieve her lab coat from Bender.

Amy perked up, "How about-"

"_No_." The doctor sat back, her lips held tightly together.

"Well, before this can descend into an awkward silence, I'll just introduce everyone." He pointed around the table. "That's Amy, Hermes, Leela, Scruffy, Fry, you, and Zoidberg. Everyone, this is our new doctor, Olivia Lennon."

Olivia glanced around the table, the humans all gave a small wave, but when she got to Zoidberg, he was glaring at her, quietly growling as the fin on the top of his head rose slowly.

She discreetly inched her chair away from the alien. "Well, it's… It's nice to be here… It was really kind of you to hire me right out of medical school, professor."

"It was kind of the judge, you mean." Farnsworth smiled, correcting her.

"… Right. Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you and I'm sure I'll enjoy working here." She paused, glancing at Bender. "While I have the floor, I'd also like to ask about the odds of getting my wallet back."

"Not good," Bender said, flipping through aforementioned wallet.

"…" She sighed. "Professor, back to you."

"As it should be!" He snapped before clearing his throat. "Hm, right. Well, Fry, Leela, Bender, we have a delivery to make…"

* * *

><p>Olivia rifled around through the box of her personal effects, absently humming to herself.<p>

"Hm-hm, hmhm, hm-hmm…" She pulled out her framed degree, moving to hang it on the wall. She lifted it up to where it was at a good spot before pressing a blue button on the frame. A small glow and a quiet hum, and the doctorate was firmly fixed to the wall.

"Well, well… Settling into your new office?" The doctor turned to see the distinct-looking space lobster looking around her office.

She offered a smile. "Yes, I am. Just getting all of my stuff unpacked, after that I was thinking about giving everyone a physical, and then maybe making myself some tea." She pulled out a poster of the human digestive system and moved to put it up.

"You know, we had to relocate a _lot_ of mops to make room for you here…"

"Huh, really?" She glanced around. "Pretty big for a mop closet."

It was bigger than Zoidberg's office, though she didn't know that.

"Yes…" Zoidberg fumbled, he needed to get back on track, and that track was getting this woman fired. "We have many mops…"

"Well, far be it from me to question your knowledge of mops." Olivia pulled out a model of a heart, setting it on her desk.

Zoidberg narrowed his eyes. Was she insulting him? She was insulting him, wasn't she? Insinuating that all he knew was mops…

Slowly, his fin rose as anger built up within him. His face contorted in a scowl.

"Say, would you help me set this up?" She pulled out some different odds and ends from a box, Zoidberg didn't know what it went to and he didn't care.

"Bah! You! I'm tired of you and your increasing demands! Always looking down on Zoidberg!" He smacked the objects from her hands, growling. "You've made a powerful enemy, you have!" With that he turned and scuttled out of her office, leaving Olivia staring after him with wide, confused eyes.

The confusion didn't get to last long, though, because at that moment the crew of planet express chose to enter, all three of them suffering odd problems.

"Oh, geeze, what happened?" She looked over them with raised eyebrows, her mind searching for medical reasons behind what had happened to each of them.

There was Bender, who had an arrow sticking through his head, was half his normal size, and had turned a fluorescent green.

There was Fry, whose nose had tripled in size, he had been stripped down to his underwear, gone bald, and sprouted horns and wings.

Leela had grown two extra eyes, a set of antennae, her bottom half had become that of a goat, and she smelled of fried chicken.

All at once, they started talking, loudly, over one another, each trying to get the full story out.

Olivia quickly pulled out a clipboard and a pen, clicking the pen.

"Okay, OKAY!" She shouted over them. "Everyone quiet." They quieted. "Now, start from the beginning… You." She pointed to Leela.

"Well," Leela started. "Everything was going fine until we got to the planet…"

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><p>Zoidberg paced back and forth, muttering to himself.<p>

"So she thinks she can just waltz in here with her 'years of training' and her fancy 'medicine degree' and can look down on Zoidberg? Bah! That is an honor I save only for my friends, it is." He smacked one claw into the other as though pounding a clenched fist into an open palm.

"What are you prattling on about now, you crazy lobster?" Hermes groused from his desk, not looking up from the papers he was working on.

"That new doctor lady, a cruel woman, she is. Fired, I want her!" He smacked a claw down on the desk to emphasize his point.

"Oh, shut up Zoidberg!" Hermes facepalmed. "For once we have a doctor where they aren't a total incompetent, why can't you just be happy for us?"

"Because of reasons!" Zoidberg snapped. "Now fire her!"

"No!" Hermes stood up, glaring at the alien. "You know the rule, Zoidberg. For Pete's sake, we told you this morning. We will not fire this woman unless she is late for work every day for two weeks!"

"Fine!" Zoidberg growled, walking to the door. "If late she must be, then late I will make her!"

Hermes watched Zoidberg leave before shaking his head and returning to his paperwork. "Crazy lobster…"

* * *

><p>Fry, Leela, and Bender were sitting around in the living room, still looking like they had when they'd come back.<p>

"Man, how long is it going to take for this medication to kick in?"

"An _hour_, Fry."

"But this is the future, aren't things supposed to happen instantly?"

As if to prove him right, Olivia walked in with a man.

"Bender, your mechanic is here."

"Hot diggity!" Bender jumped to his feet and hurried over.

As Bender and the mechanic left the room, Olivia walked over to the couch.

"How are you two feeling?" She sat down on the arm of the couch, looking them over.

"About the same," Leela sighed. "You're sure there's nothing you can give us that will work quicker?"

"With _your_ insurance? No." She glanced at the TV. "What're you watching?"

"World's wackiest car chases." Fry grinned as he sipped some soda.

All three winced at what was shown next on the television, which is too horrific to be described.

"Clowns are _not_ supposed to make that noise." Olivia shuddered. "Can we watch something _else_?"

"Nope." Fry turned up the volume.

"No," Leela added. "I like this episode."

"What do you have against clowns? They're the honest workers of the lower class." Olivia raised an eyebrow.

"I have no comment."

"I like the noises they make when they crash." Another crash happened and Fry burst into laughter.

Olivia sighed and stood up. "Well, if you don't start getting back to normal in an hour, come and talk to me." With that, she left the living room and headed to the small kitchen area.

She hummed to herself as she dug out a tea bag and got a kettle of water on the stove, leaning against the counter as she waited for it to boil.

Zoidberg poked his head around a corner, watching her. His eyes narrowed and he started scribbling on a notepad he had with him.

_Zoidberg's log, have started to watch the enemy. She seems to like tea._

He glanced back; Olivia was drinking directly from the kettle, which seemed to have been stuffed with at least three bags of tea.

_She REALLY likes tea. Operation 'get the new mean doctor lady fired' is on, it is._

* * *

><p>Leela rubbed the top of her head, which was itching like crazy.<p>

"I know it's a good sign, and the antennae were really starting to get in the way, but I wish that this medicine wouldn't itch so much when it takes effect." She grunted as she started scratching.

"Hey, you've got it easy, my wings aren't even halfway gone and I feel like that time Yancy laced all my clothes with itching powder." Fry desperately tried to scratch at his wings, to no avail.

A door opened and Bender walked in, whistling to himself. Bender was completely back to normal.

" 'Sup, meatbags? Still stuck in your more-hideous-than-normal forms? Shame you two ain't robots and have to wait for that medicine to kick in." He laughed at their misery, the way he always did.

"This isn't funny, Bender." Leela snapped, her three eyes narrowing in a glare.

"Yeah it is, hah-heheh!" Bender sat down on the couch, taking the remote and changing the channel to _All My Circuits_.

"Calculon! I have a confession… I was with Gary that night."

"Gary… Your ex-husband, and my business rival?"

"Yes!"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying… Calculon Jr."

"… What _about_ Calculon Jr.?"

"… He's not your son."

Bender gasped loudly at this declaration, recoiling back into his seat.

"Oh. Your. God. This is a total game changer. A twist coming directly from left field! This is going to change the show _so much_!"

"That's-ugh-that's what you said-_nrrr_-last week when Calculon-grah!-found out that his long-dead adventuring grandfather was really himself from an alternate reality-urggh-who was on a quest to discover El Dorado," Fry said as he continued to make swipes at his wings in an attempt to scratch them.

"Indeed I did, Fry." Bender took out a cigar and lit it, leaning back on the couch. "Indeed I did." He let out a plume of smoke. That's a fun word, plume. It's the kind of word you should try and work into a conversation.

The other door opened and Olivia walked in, sipping a large mug of tea.

"Hey, guys. I see the medicine has started to kick in." She set her mug down on the table and walked over, grabbing one of Fry's wings and looking it over. "Hm… Yeah, these have definitely gone down in size. How're you feeling, Mr. Fry?"

"I itch in places that I haven't itched in since puberty." Fry whined, shifting his weight awkwardly.

"That's expected, it means it's working." Olivia turned to Leela, taking out a light and shining it in each of her three eyes. "How about you, Captain Turanga?"

Leela blinked rapidly. "Itch like crazy, someone is shining a ridiculously bright light in my eyes, I have three eyes. All in all, not that bad." She shrugged, rubbing her eyes when Olivia put the light away.

Olivia took one of Leela's antennae in hand, looking it over. "Well, it's a slow process but you're definitely on your way back to how you were." She turned the antennae over in her hands before letting go of it and backing away. She looked to Bender. "Ah, Bender. I see you're done with your mechanic. Everything in proper working order?"

"I'm back to perfection, baby!" Bender let out another plume of smoke and happily thumped a fist on his chest, the hollow clang of it echoing inside of itself.

"Alrighty, then." Olivia walked back over and picked up her cup of tea. "Well, I'm going to continue-" She cut herself off, taking a long drink of tea. "Going to continue getting my office set up." She licked her lips. "This tea is good." She nodded in satisfaction before remember what she was talking about. "But, yeah. Office. There. I'll be there. If anything happens, that's where I'll be. There. In my office…" She paused. "… Right after I get some more tea." She hurried out the other door to get herself some more tea.

Leela rolled her eyes, turning to look at Fry and Bender, either unaware of or ignoring Zoidberg as he scuttled along in the background, trailing Olivia and fervently taking notes. "So what are you two planning on doing after work?"

"I'm gonna find some floozies and see how cheap they're going for these days," Bender said as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

Fry only shrugged. "I dunno, I guess I'll go home and play video games." His wings twitched. "What about you, Leela. What are you doing?"

Leela shrugged. "I was planning on wandering aimlessly through the city until I thought of something to do."

"Well, since neither of us are gonna be doing much, why don't we go out to a diner and grab some dinner?" Fry's eyes shined with hope.

"Well… I dunno… With these weird diseases, the itching, the…" She trailed off at the look on Fry's face. A small smile spread across her lips. "Sure, Fry. That sounds like fun."

"Woohoo!" Fry yelled for joy, punching the air.

* * *

><p>At the end of the workday, Olivia downed the last of her tea and looked over Fry and Leela.<p>

"Well, it looks like you're fairly close to normal." She took out some ointments. "Here, apply these to the affected areas before you go to bed and you should be back to normal in the morning."

They thanked her and went on their way; Fry sliding an arm around Leela's waist as they went. Olivia hummed to herself as she went about her office, getting her jacket on and putting her mug in the sink.

She calmly walked out of the Planet Express building, absently humming to herself, her hands in her pockets. She was completely unaware of the form of a lobster monster following her in the shadows.

Zoidberg watched as she entered her apartment, he rubbed his claws together, his eyes narrowing. Behind him there was a collection of bricks and a tub full of what was probably concrete.

"And so it begins…" He said quietly before chuckling darkly, a smirk forming on his mouth.

And so begins the montage.

* * *

><p>1<p>

Olivia yawned and stretched, got up, got dressed, and grabbed a banana. She opened the door and was shocked to find that it had been sealed up.

Hesitantly, she reached out and rapped her fist against it, it was solid.

Setting her banana down, she pressed the whole of her body against it.

Two hours later, she was apologizing to Hermes while Zoidberg watched in the background, crossing a day off in his notebook.

* * *

><p>2<p>

Olivia's door wasn't boarded up, but as she was walking down the street she found her foot caught in a snare trap. Her feet jerked out from under her and she found herself hanging upside down.

Later, Zoidberg crossed off another day as Olivia tried to convince Hermes of what had made her late yet again.

* * *

><p>5<p>

Olivia rushed into work, covered in mud. Hermes shook his head and pointed to the clock, an hour past start time. Zoidberg laughed darkly from his hidden observation place. Another day was crossed off.

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><p>8<p>

Olivia hopped into work, completely tied up in rope. It was nearly lunchtime. Another day was crossed off.

* * *

><p>13<p>

"Look, I'm sorry Dr. Lennon. But if you're late for work one more time then we have to fire you." Hermes looked at the doctor, who was brushing the cotton candy out of her hair.

"But it's not my fault…" Olivia flicked the sugary confection away, pink strands remaining stuck to her hair, reminding her of a watermelon.

"Regardless, come in late tomorrow, and you're done here." With that, Hermes dismissed her from his office.

Olivia sighed, slumping against the wall outside Hermes's office. "Great." She rubbed her eyes under her glasses. "Just great."

A few minutes later, she found herself sitting on the couch with Fry, Leela, and Bender as _All My Circuits_ played, it was a repeat episode, the one where Calculon got amnesia and forgot that he was actually Calculon's evil twin, but that was besides the point.

"I mean… Why does this keep happening to me?" Olivia groaned, burying her head in her hands. "What could possibly be making all these things happen to me?"

"There's an old saying from my time. Twice is a coincidence, thirteen times is someone trying to get you fired." Fry took a sip of his slurm.

"Fired?" The idea honestly hadn't occurred to Olivia. "But, who would want to get me fired?" She paused, and the three humans all turned to look at the robot. "… Bender?"

Bender glanced up from the TV. "Huh? _Me?_ No way, meatbags! If she's fired then I can't steal her stuff." He rolled his eyes. "Sheesh."

"Okay…" Olivia sighed. "Who would want me fired, then?" She slipped into a 'pondering' pose.

Zoidberg walked in. "Hello, mortal enemy, you're looking strangely worried today." He laughed darkly, it became a maniacal laugh, and then he left.

After a few more seconds of pondering, Olivia glanced at Fry and Leela. "So, any ideas?"

"Nope."

"No, how about you?"

"Nada." Olivia's shoulders slumped. "What am I gonna do? If I'm late tomorrow, then I'm fired! And there's no way I'd be able to get another job in medicine!"

"_Why_?"

"… Late for two weeks. Who would want to hire me?" Olivia gave a weak smile, which looked so much like a pained wince that made Leela wonder about whether or not she was actually in pain right then.

"… Right. Well, okay. We'll just have to try and make sure you get to work on time tomorrow." Leela shrugged.

"How would we do that?"

"Well… Maybe you can wake up earlier than usual, Fry and I could cover for you until you actually get here, we could make a dummy to look like you're sitting in your chair…" Leela counted off on her fingers.

"Hm…" Olivia licked her lips, thinking over the options. They could all lead to wacky hijinks, and sounded far-fetched at best… "You know what? I think I'll just sleep in my office tonight. If whoever it is manages to make me late when I do that, I _deserve_ to be fired."

"Suit yourself." Leela shrugged before turning to Fry. "We're not making the dummy, Fry."

"Aw…" Fry groaned, putting down the mop with googly eyes attached and bucket of green paint.

Olivia looked at the mop. "Actually…"

* * *

><p>That night, Olivia pulled out a cot from the closet in her office. She pressed the button on the top of it and it set itself up.<p>

She hummed to herself, taking her shoes off and stretching. She laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. She yawned to herself, hopefully she wouldn't be late for work tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Zoidberg took his collection of brick and concrete to the door. It was only fitting that he finished this with the same method he'd started it.<p>

His eyes narrowed and a smirk rose on his face. Soon, he would be the only doctor at Planet Express once more.

He chuckled darkly, getting to work on blocking the damned woman in.

* * *

><p>The next morning he came into work, he was tired and had patches of concrete stuck to his shell, but it was worth it so he could get that despicable, egotistical-<p>

"Morning, Dr. Zoidberg." Olivia sipped her tea as he walked past her.

"Good morning, Mortal enemy…" Where was he? Oh yes, egotistical, cruel, b- wait.

"Mortal enemy!" He gasped, turning and looking at her. The doctor raised an eyebrow. "But, how, you, late…?"

"Oh, the late thing? I slept in my office last night." Olivia grinned. "I wasn't late for work, so I'm not fired and Hermes reset my late counter. Looks like I'm staying."

Zoidberg stared at her in shocked silence before his eyes narrowed and he glared.

"You win this round, Mortal enemy…" He growled before scuttling off.

" 'Round'? What game are we playing?" She called after him before shrugging, taking another sip of her tea. "Oh, that's good tea."

* * *

><p>Well, that was chapter one, I hope you enjoyed. I promise that next chapter will be more focused on the canon characters.<p> 


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